Parizaad

I think Hashim Nadeem summed up my entire existence up till now by making Parizaad say,

میں نے ساری زندگی ایک نظر کی تمنا میں گزاری ہے۔ ایک پیار بھری نظر۔ کیا کیا نہیں کیا میں نے اس نظر کے لیے، جو مرد حقیر نہ جانے۔ کلاس میں اول آیا۔ کالج یونیورسٹی میں شاعر بنا۔ مزدوری کی۔ پیسہ جمع کیا۔ سونا اورچاندی کے ڈھیر لگا دیا پر وہ نظر۔ وہ ایک نظر میر حصے کا مقدر نہ بن سکی۔

It really reminded me of the way I once wrote,

“Everything I do, I do it to feel loved. Whether it’s studying to score better to make my parents proud, or whether it’s petting my cat. All my life revolves around trying to fill this deep void in me. And despite how hard I try, nothing ever seems to touch this void. I never feel loved. Even when I’m shown the parental tenderness. I am so ashamed to admit that I carry this void. It’s disgraceful. I’m ungrateful. It’s so disappointing of me to not be able to fill this void of loneliness despite how much love this world carries. This is why I fail to maintain eye contacts since I’m always guilty of the way how I’m always carrying this void within me. I’m sorry mother, I’m sorry father, and I’m sorry to the ones who’ve loved me, I fail to feel loved.”

Some of us move through life waiting for that one person who would just accept us for who we really are. We wait for a Quratulain. Someone who would see through us without really “seeing us”. But even when that Annie arrives, we follow that tradition of becoming our own enemies. We don't let such Quratulains come near us because we fail to consider ourselves being worthy of any form of love or consideration. You know how Parizaad says,
ہم جیسے لوگوں کو دشمنوں کی ضرورت ئی نہیں پڑتی۔ ہم خود ئی اپنی دشمنی کے لیے کافی ہوتے ہیں۔

-Falaque

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